Listen up, smooth brains! Your favorite market degenerate here with this week's serving of spicy market tea. Grab your crayons and helmet—we're about to navigate through a week that's more leveraged than my margin account.

PAPA MUSK'S WILD RIDE (TSLA) – Wednesday

After a 45% profit nosedive (GUH!), Elon's taking the stage Wednesday. Will he announce another 420.69 stock split? Probably not. Watch this man explain why revenue's mooning while profits are drilling hard. This should be more entertaining than my portfolio's performance.

BOOMER JUICE EARNINGS (KO) – Wednesday

Coca-Cola's about to drop the tea (soda?) on whether Americans are still drowning their inflation sorrows in carbonated sugar water. Wall Street's betting big on our collective stress-drinking habits. North American sales better be higher than my blood pressure during margin calls. Peak diabetes plays incoming.

BOEING GOES BRRR? (BA) – Wednesday

Nothing says "fun earnings call" like reporting numbers while your workers are on strike. Yes, Boeing's reporting while their workers are doing the inverse of stonks (going down). Between those strikes and layoffs, this earnings call might be spicier than WSB bearporn.

BEZOS' BARGAIN BONANZA (AMZN) – Thursday

Jeff's empire is feeling the squeeze: Amazon's dropping numbers fast. They definitely lowballed last quarter's forecast. Time to see if AWS money printer still goes brrr. Thursday, we find out if Daddy Bezos' empire can stop the bleeding or if we need to cancel our Prime memberships along with our call options.

FED STUFF FOR WRINKLE BRAINS

Fed speakers dropping more hints than my ex
Beige Book dropping Wednesday (spoiler: it's probably bearish)
Housing numbers coming in hotter than my neighbor's wife
PMI and jobless claims Thursday (because we need more red in our lives)

POSITIONS OR BAN

Long $ROPE if Tesla dumps
Calls on whatever Cramer is bearish on
Puts on my mental health after this week

TL;DR

Buckle up buttercups, this week's got loads of potential volatility. Keep your stop losses tight and your expectations loose, but more importantly—keep your hands and feet inside the rocket ship at all times.

Not financial advice. I eat crayons, and my brain is smoother than a freshly waxed Tesla.

See you all behind Wendy's!

Edit: Fixed typo because my wife's boyfriend said I had to.

Tea Leaves

Tesla’s Earnings, Amazon’s Gamble, and Boeing’s Chaos