Options Glossary for the Highly Regarded

While you may be prone to gloss over this information the same way you glossed over those warning labels on bottles of Dramadine, you may want to pay attention here. Do a bump if you must. Ain’t nothing more liquid than language, bro. If you wanna hit the bingo, you gotta know the lingo.

0DTE

Zero Days to Expiration. The thrill-seeker’s dream. You’re betting on options that expire TODAY because who needs a future when you can gamble your money into the abyss right now? 0DTE options are for high-rollers and poors alike—degenerates who know you only live once, baby.

Ape

You, bro, a retail investor who believes they can take on Wall Street with positive mindset and clever memes. Often found holding their bags like trophies. Part regard, part legend. All ape.

Ask

The price a seller thinks they can get for a stock, which is the same price you’ll never pay because you’re too busy chasing that next big win on dirt cheap 0DTEs and options so far out of the money they make your nose bleed.

Assignment

When you get stuck fulfilling your option obligations, and the good Lord knows you hate fulfilling your obligations—whether to your wife, children, employers, or the Options Clearing Corporation. If you write (sell) an option and a buyer decides to exercise, you may get assigned. If you wrote calls and get assigned, you’ll be obligated to sell 100 shares per option. If you wrote puts, you’ll be obligated to buy 100 shares per contract. Either way, you’ll be obligated to pony up money (or shares) instead of pocketing tendies.

At the Money (ATM)

When your options are priced so close to the stock’s current price that they might as well be in a relationship. But remember they’re not. Options are thrice removed from reality, just as you are, you delusional ape.

Autism

A special ability of regards to defy logic and BELIEVE, especially when it comes to their investment decisions. Sometimes AuTSM, for those who BELIEVE in Taiwanese Semiconductor Mfg.

Bagholder

The unfortunate regard holding his losing positions, high on hopium, waiting for the asset to regain value when everyone else has ditched the sinking ship. Like a toxic ex-girlfiend, bagholders love to flaunt their victimhood. Sound familiar? At least you can say you were “in it for the long haul,” which is the degenerate’s equivalent of virtue signaling because, let’s face it, degenerates have no real virtues.

Bid

The price you’re willing to pay for a stock, which tends to be a fair value if you’re not acting from a stupor of FOMO, which is never, and quiet expensive otherwise. Translation: the amount you’re willing to overpay for an equity.

BTFD

Buy The F**ing Dip. The mantra of the hopeful and the hopeless alike. When the market dives, you dive in headfirst, convinced that what goes down must come up. Just remember, that dip might lead to a free fall instead of a bounce. Gravity might be a constant, but your inverted logic is not.

Buyer

The brave soul who thinks they can outsmart the market. You ever ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain? Neither have we. But you might want to watch some reels of the carnage that occurs there before you start gambling your hard-won Wendy’s dollars on FDs. Because entering the casino is like entering a dead-end street with a horned bovine.

Calls

Options that give you the right to buy a stock at a specific price. It’s like saying, “I’ll pay this premium for a chance to make money!”—which is just a fancy way of saying, “I love playing with fire.” And let’s face it—degenerates aren’t buying stocks. You’ll just sell that option as soon as you’ve blasted off, or try to once you’ve lost your pants.

Casino

The stock market. Where fortunes are built on the backs of bad decisions and dreams die, often in the same week. It’s like Las Vegas but with less glamour and more existential dread. Roll the dice, throw your money into the void, and hope for the best!

Cocaine

The lifeblood of day traders and degenerates alike. Not the white powder, but the euphoric rush of making a risky trade. You first have to win the risky trade to afford the white powder. But let’s be honest: if you win big are you gonna buy white powder or more FDs?

Copium

Anything to help you cope with the pain of your bad decisions. The false but comforting words from a friend. A meme of someone’s dumber decisions. Basically anything that prompts you to compare your mediocre life to another ape whose choices have been worse than yours.

Delta

A measure of how much an option’s price will change relative to the stock’s price. The higher the delta, the greater the swings. But that’s just how you like it, isn’t it?

Diamond Hands

When your belief in a bet exceeds your rationality, you hold your position like it was your only hope at a decent life, and it probably is. Diamond hands hodl hard.

Green Dildo

While you’re probably most familiar with purple dildos and black rubber fists, when it comes to the casino, dildo refers to Japanese candlesticks, bro. Red or green, the longer the better, because you want either unbridled elation or deep despair, but nothing in between.

DFV

Deep F**ing Value. AKA Roaring Kitty, AKA Keith Gill. The legend who went all in with diamond hands against odds and naysayers, turning $50,000 into ~$500,000,000 in the span of five years on GME and spawning “meme stock” investing.

Doge

The meme coin that took over the crypto world faster than your grandma can hit “forward” on an email. It’s not about utility; it’s about the vibes, the memes, and the sheer absurdity of it all, which is why you probably purchased shortly after seeing tweets from Elon.

Drawdown

Imagine you’ve got your box of crayons. And you’re drawing. And you draw a downward sloping line. Now imagine that line is the price chart of Nvidia right after you YOLOd your $6,400 life savings on short-dated calls. That’s called drawdown, bro. But if you’d bought puts, you’d be down when the price goes up, capiche? When you’re in the hole, that’s when drawdown has got you. What you gonna do? Hodl or fold?

ER

Earnings report. Held quarterly, earnings reports offer you a regular opportunity to cash in on big moves. But take your beta-blockers if you’re betting on OTM options, otherwise your bets may land you in the ER.

Exercise

We don’t mean getting up from your gamer’s chair for an IPA. To exercise your option is to buy the shares of the underlying equity that the option granted you the right to do. Think of it as putting your money where your mouth is—right before the market slaps you in the face.

Expiration Date

The last day you can exercise your options before they become worthless. Of course, you can also sell them, assuming they have any value. But given the deep OTM options you’re probably buying, they won’t.

FDs

Financial Derivatives. Money is an abstraction of value, value an abstraction of work. But derivatives are an abstraction of money, so they’re thrice removed from reality, bro. Less substantive than hot air, but endlessly fungible. Make sense of that one, bro. Money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows on FDs.

FOMO

Fear Of Missing Out. The anxiety that grips you when you see others raking in gains while you sit there watching the train gain speed. FOMO is what drives you to try to board that bustling locomotive at the top of the hype rather than waiting for the train to pull into the next station. At which point you get quashed like a copper penny. The enemy of smart bets.

FUD

Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. A tactic used by market manipulators to sow panic among investors. If you hear someone spreading FUD about a stock you believe in, it’s usually just noise meant to shake you out of your position. Keep your heart caffeinated, run the calculation, make the bet, hodl!

Gamma

A measure of how much an option’s delta (the sensitivity of the option’s price to changes in the stock price) will change as the underlying stock price changes. High gamma means big swings in delta, leading to greater potential for profits—or losses. Keep an eye on it if you like, but remember that the more you try to track, the more you’re juggling. It’s one way to clown around the casino.

GEU

Grandma Economic Unit. A GEU is equivalent to ~$700,000 and was first established as a financial unit of measure when a proper regard took roughly $700,000 inheritance his dead grandmother left him and “invested” all of it on Intel stock, right before it plummeted more than 30%. The reasons for this investment? “Because,” the regard said, “I believe in the stock.” As Deepak Chopra observed, and many regards have demonstrated, “Belief knows no limits.”

GME

Gamestop. The stock that became a symbol of the retail trading revolution, exploding in value thanks to a coordinated effort from retail investors, causing billionaire hedge fund managers to shit their shorts (pardon the pun). GME taught us about the power of community and the irrationality of the market. Also known as “the stonk that shall not be named,” as some subreddits have banned any posts that look like coordinated buying.

Greeks

The term for the various metrics that affect the pricing of options contracts. Key Greeks include:

• Delta: How much the option price changes relative to changes in price of the underlying equity.

• Gamma: The rate of change of delta.

• Theta: A measure of how the price of the option will deteriorate relative to time, also known as decay.

• Vega: How sensitive the option price is to changes in volatility.

These Greeks are about as useful to your game as the sophists of the ancient mediterranean: They provide lots of information that doesn’t really mean shit.

Highly Regarded

A virtue or compliment. One who is simultaneously esteemed by peers and yet possesses a unique capacity for degeneracy.

HODL

Hold on for Dear Life. Also simply hold. A rallying cry for those who BELIEVE in their investments, no matter how much the market swings.

Hookers

The preoccupation of Wall Street bros and Wendy’s window tellers alike. The fetish on which market spoils are spent, along with lambos and coke.

Hopium

A portmanteau of hope and opium because, let’s face it, they are equally capable of inducing delusions. In the words of homeless poet Raimundo Arruda Sobrinho, “Hope is the heaviest weight a man can carry. It is the bane of the idealist.” Hopium is what drives market bulls, and the market itself.

Illiquidity

Assets not easily converted into cash, like all those alt-coins you purchased at the peak of the hype. The defining attribute of your “portfolio.”

Implied Volatility

A measure of how much a stock’s price is expected to move in the future, impacting the value of options contracts. High implied volatility means big price swings (and risk), while low implied volatility suggests calm waters. It’s a crystal ball of sorts, but like the White Wizard’s palantir, it mostly reveals your future is doomed.

Index Option

Options based on a market index, like the S&P 500, so you can bet on the performance of a whole index rather than individual stocks. It’s a way to diversify your risk while still playing with 0DTEs!

In the Money (ITM)

When your option has intrinsic value because the stock price is favorable compared to the strike price. For call options, this means the stock price is above the strike price; for puts, it’s below. ITM options are the rocket ships of options trading—especially if you originally bought out of the money (OTM).

Intrinsic Value

The value of an option if it were exercised right now. For call options, it’s the difference between the stock price and the strike price; for puts, it’s the opposite. It’s a snapshot of how “in the money” your options are. Intrinsic value excludes time value.

Invert

To do the opposite of what logic, analysts, or successful traders suggest you should do. Fundamentals suggest PLTR gonna moon? Invert. Sentiment suggests META gonna tank? Invert. WSB regards inverting Cramer’s buy recommendations? Invert that. Like rolling dice over and over again, just keep inverting logic until you get the decision that feels right.

JP

God. AKA Jerome Powell. When God speaks, listen. More importantly, when God speaks, play the SPY.

Lambo

Lamborghini. THE status symbol of having arrived… even tho you’ve only arrived at the drive-up window of Wendy’s to get some fries from your bro. Quick wins don’t erase old habits.

LEAPs

Long-term Equity Anticipation Securities. These are options with expiration dates longer than one year, allowing more time for your investment thesis to play out, but which you’ll probably never experience given your penchant for fast action and hand-over-fast betting.

Liquidity

Something you don’t have. See illiquidity.

Long

A position based on the belief that the stock or option will increase in value. It’s the classic strategy of hopium, where you’re betting on progress and production and praying for gains.

Margin

Money borrowed from your broker to trade. AKA leverage. Also payday loans and credit card cash advances, and money from your mom’s purse. When you borrow money to invest, it’s always margin, not debt. Talking about margin at the local microbrew may get you laid without having to pay for it.

Margin Call

When your bookie, er broker, demands that you deposit cash or sell assets to cover the margin they’ve extended because your ability to repay is beginning to look weak.

Margin Requirement

The minimum amount of equity you must keep in your account to maintain use of margin. Drop below the minimum, and you’ll be getting a margin call—and perhaps a freeze on your account. If that happens, delete your trading app. Makes problem go away.

Market Maker (MM)

A firm or individual that supports liquidity in the market by buying and selling equities at quoted prices. MMs are like pit bosses—they make sure the casino games function smoothly.

MOASS

Mother of All Short Squeezes. An imaginary future event, like the second coming of Jesus Christ, that believers of GME look forward to with pinwheel-eyed zeal.

Open Interest

The total number of outstanding options contracts that have not yet been settled. It’s like a scorecard showing how many players are still in the game. High open interest usually means more excitement, perhaps greater IV, and more fools ready and willing to take a job working behind the Wendy’s if worst comes to worst.

Out of the Money (OTM)

An option that currently has no intrinsic value because the underlying asset’s price is below the strike price (for calls) or above the strike price (for puts). The further out of the money your option, the worse the odds are that it’ll be ITM before expiration, but the greater the payout potential, which is what regards focus on. Who needs favorable odds when you BELIEVE!

Paper Hands

At the slightest hint of drawdown, paper hands roll up as readily as a Ben Franklin before a mound of white powder. Which is fine if you’re content with driving a ‘97 Buick LeSabre when you’re 42, but unacceptable if your sights are set on lambos.

Premium

The amount of money you fork over to gain the right to buy or sell an asset at a specific price, sort of like the membership fee to Sam’s Club, giving you the right to shop at your favorite big-box store. The premium is influenced by various factors, including time until expiration and implied volatility, which is what you bank on, because unlike your Sam’s Club membership, which has no resale value, options do. That is, if you get lucky.

Pump and Dump

We’re not referring to the intimacy between your wife and her boyfriend. A pump and dump occurs when the price of a stock is artificially inflated (pumped) through hype and false information, and then the promoters of the hype sell (dump) their shares at the peak. It’s a great way to make a quick buck, but leaves the average regard holding the bag—and the SEC looking into your affairs.

Puts

Options that give you the right to sell a stock at a predetermined price. They’re like insurance against a stock’s decline—that is if you’re so sackless you buy “insurance” on your bets. In simpler terms, buying a put option allows you to profit from a stock’s decline. But, unlike selling short, you don’t need margin to cover your bet. It’s a win-win—as long the asset loses value!

Regard

A revision of “retard” that remains politically incorrect but can be either a compliment or an insult, usually both. Bought 0DTEs on SPY at 12:55 p.m. just before JP gave a Fed update on interest rates? You’re a regard. Invested $700,000 of your dead granny’s money in Intel? You’re a regard. Went all in on some on illiquid ticker because you saw (but didn’t read) a thousand-word due-diligence post on WSB. Congrats, you’re a regard.

Retard Rally

We don’t mean the arrival of the short bus at your local recreation center, we mean the sudden spike in a stock price that defies logic and reason. Never mind that you lack both logic and reason, the rally is most likely the result of fervor from your fellow apes, which can mean only one thing: they left you out of the pump and/or squeeze.

Roaring Kitty

See DFV.

Short

Remember that scene in “The Wolf of Wall Street” where they plan to order midgets for the firm party? Maybe they’ll use them as bowling balls, or perhaps as lawn darts. That was fun, right? But that’s not the short we mean. When you go short you’re betting that a stock will drop. It’s like selling your wife’s wedding ring when she’s not looking, hoping it’ll lose value, so you can buy it back cheap and pocket the difference and place some more bets. What could go wrong?

Short Squeeze

When investors buy up shares of an asset that is overshorted, causing a sharp rise in the price of the asset and forcing traders who previously sold short to close out their positions, which requires they buy back the shares, further compounding the rise. In theory, the strong buying pressure “squeezes” the short sellers out of the position and allows the squeezers to profit. But more often than not it ends up like a game of musical chairs, with everyone left standing around with their pants down.

Slightly Regarded

A young ape who may develop into one that is highly regarded, depending on how well he learns to suppress logic and reason in favor of glory.

Spread

The difference between the bid and ask price of a stock. It’s like the gap between what you want to pay and what some jerk is trying to sell it for. The bigger the spread, the more it feels like a money trap because as soon as you enter you’re already down, and therefore prone to holding bags.

Stonks

Stocks. They only go up.

Strike Price

The price at which an option can be exercised. Think of it as the magic number that determines whether your gamble pays off or you’re unable to make next week’s payment on your cash advance. If you exercise an option, it’s at the strike price. If you get assigned, it’s at the strike price. ITM and OTM sit either side of the strike price. So choose wisely, and pray you don’t strike out.

Tendies

Profits, AKA winnings, AKA chicken tenders. Part of a balanced diet of true apes, which consists of hookers, coke, and microwaveable breaded meatstuff that’s at least 9% rib juice. A worthy goal of all degenerates: turn your stocks into snacks!

Theta

The measure of how much an option's price decreases as it approaches expiration, also known as time decay.

Time Decay

AKA theta. The slow, painful loss of an option's value as expiration looms closer. Happens faster than your tooth decay, but more slowly than your moral decay, which occurs in mere seconds when presented with an ethically questionable choice that has potential for pleasurable or profitable outcomes.

Time Value

The extra cash you pay for an option due to the time left until expiration. Think of it as the price of hope; the more time till expiration, the steeper the premium. Which is why you forget time value and play 0DTEs. Sure, they’re risky. But they’re cheap! Like the whores in Ely, Nevada.

Vega

A measure of an option's sensitivity to changes in volatility. If you like your life spicy, find bets with high vega on a day when FUD runs rampant.

Volume

The number of shares traded during a given period. High volume means everyone and their second cousin is rolling dice, while low volume looks like a game of bingo at the Center for People with Special Needs. If you want action, which party do you want to you attend?

Writer

The poor soul who sells options and collects the premium, hoping to get away with it. It’s like selling a lottery ticket and hoping the ticket holder won’t win. Writers of options can also be found working such jobs repo man, mall cop, and car immobilizer (booter). They prey on (and sometimes profit from) degenerate apes. But they also contribute to market liquidity. All part of the food chain, bro.

WSB

Wall Street Bets, the notorious subreddit where users eat crayons, hit tenbaggers, and brag about their job behind the dumpster of the local Wendy’s, all in a day’s work. It’s where memes meet money and the average regard can mock the absurdity of existence, live recklessly, and win large.

YOLO

You Only Live Once. This is a verifiable fact. Even if you believe in reincarnation, it’s not YOU that’s cycling through life again, it’s a butterfly or a dung beetle or a wild hyena with a case of rabies. You get my drift, bro? You’ve. Got. Nothing. To. Lose. So run the calculation, make the bet.